


Something Stupid

by divybread



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-15
Updated: 2016-06-15
Packaged: 2018-07-15 00:37:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7198226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/divybread/pseuds/divybread
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>I wanna hold hands with you</i>
  <br/>
  <i>But that's all I wanna do right now</i>
  <br/>
  <i>And I wanna get close to you</i>
  <br/>
  <i>Cause your hands and lips still know their way around</i>
  <br/>
  <i>And I know I like to draw that line, when it starts to get too real</i>
  <br/>
  <i>But the less time that I spend with you, the less you need to heal</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Something Stupid

Their lips crashed into each other a little too hard the moment the door closed behind him. Hands grabbed at clothes in a desperate attempt to close the distance between their bodies. Yifan breathed out a relieved sigh in between two kisses as the tension he’d accumulated over the past couple days seemed to slip right out of his shoulders. His desperate attempts to pull the other one closer to him were met with equally desperate grasps at his own sides and neck.

The kissing got messier as it went, their hands roaming wildly over each other’s body as they stumbled slowly and uncoordinatedly from the door towards the bed. Gently easing them down on it – the only part of their whole interaction that seemed to be happening gently so far – Yifan didn’t hesitate a moment as his hands continued roaming, sneaking underneath the navy blue V-neck shirt that was separating skin from skin.

It took all of two seconds of his fingers tracing over the muscled stomach before both the movement and the kissing completely stilled. Not trying to continue what had clearly stopped, Yifan kept his eyes closed for a moment longer as he pulled his head backwards slowly, easing his hands back out from underneath the shirt at the same time. Opening his eyes, he easily found the dark brown ones that were looking back at him, the confused frown above them not masking the shock he could also see.

Pulling further away without saying a single word, Yifan hoped that for once the dreadful words would stay out. But to no avail. He hadn’t fully made it out of their entangled state when the sound of them reached him. And no matter how many times he’d heard them before, they still managed to shatter his heart into a million pieces all over again. “I’m sorry…” Hesitantly spoken, but still as definite as always. Shaking his head lightly to wave off the apology, Yifan put his feet back onto the ground, both literally and figuratively.

“It’s alright,” he uttered, somehow still managing to sound reassuring and comforting despite the way his throat was clogging up. “Don’t worry about it. It’s okay. I understand.” Taking a couple steps back to increase the distance between the both of them even more, Yifan couldn’t get further than two paces away from the bed, where he came to a halt with head low. He didn’t want to see, but he could still hear the way the bed creaked as the younger got off. And although he squeezed his eyes shut when the door opened, the sound of it falling closed again echoed through his mind for the rest of the evening.

 

Several long hours later, the middle of the night found him still wide awake, staring up at his ceiling as he tried to swallow away the lump that had formed in his throat. And at the same time he was holding on to a single hope; that his door would open again and he would not remain alone in the dark hotel room. Although the appearance of the other male might at the same time also cause the pain he was feeling to increase by tenfold. He was never sure about the effects the younger man’s presence would have on him until he was actually within it.

It was almost three AM by the time his door finally creaked open. Instantly turning his head towards the incoming light from the hallway, Yifan only managed to catch a glimpse of his visitor’s face. But a glimpse was enough. Shifting in his position, he listened to how the door closed again and was then put on lock, before the footsteps came over to the bed. He didn’t try to ask any questions, just slid over on the mattress and allowed his visitor a spot in the bed as well. Which was quickly taken, the slender body rolling up against his side and an arm sneaking over his stomach. Tilting his head, Yifan put an arm around the trembling form he now had pressed up against him, leaning in and leaving a soft kiss on the dishevelled dark hair.

“I’m here.” A consolation he knew wasn’t going to make a difference until somewhere early in the morning, but he still offered it. Feeling how the same fingers as several hours earlier gripped at his shirt once again, they didn’t make him feel the same way as they had during the daylight. This time he knew they were seeking comfort rather than closeness, a soft hand rather than passion. Breathing out another sigh as he could feel the first traces of tension settle back into his muscles, Yifan rolled onto his side to be able to hold the younger male even closer to him than he had been doing so far. “I’m here, you’re not alone, it’s going to be okay.”

Several of such whispers were necessary to calm down the trembling, but when it finally subsided Yifan felt victorious. As he did every time, even though he knew the next time the trembles would be there again. It was a never-ending battle, a war he was waging against the views and opinions of society that had rooted themselves solidly inside of his lover. Well, at least that was what he wanted to be able to call the other man, but with every withdrawal from their intimate moments he was reminded again of how much Yixing did not appreciate such a title. Or, at the very least, was afraid of being called it in a setting where anyone else could hear them. And to Yixing, that was anywhere.

Feeling how the younger male’s body relaxed against him as the audible breathing evened out, Yifan leaned in once more to press another gentle kiss into the dark hair. Gently running his hand up and down Yixing’s back, he tried to imagine a life where neither of them had to be afraid of what ‘the world’ would think of them should they do anything like this outside of the comforts of their private hotel rooms. But even his own mind’s voice told him that was a dream a long end from being reached. Something he knew to be true, which was why he forced himself to be more realistic.

Two hours later he still lay awake, thinking of the things that he would never be able to do, mourning the loss of a life he hadn’t even tried to start. The world was not going to change soon enough for them. And even if it was, Yixing still would have to adapt to its new ideas once it had, which would take the same amount of time once again, robbing them of whatever time they would have had left by then. Sighing deeply, Yifan closed his eyes and tried desperately to think of better things again. He was left shedding quiet tears, unbeknownst to anyone, suffering by himself in the wee hours of morning, despite the fact that his arms still held someone close. And so it would always be, he knew. Yixing was not going to be his support nor comfort, as he had to be that for the younger male.

 

A constant buzz not that much later warned him it was Yixing’s time to go, so he would still have enough time to get ready before he had to start his schedules. Moving his hand from the younger male’s back up to his shoulder, Yifan gave it a gentle shake, looking down upon the peaceful expression Yixing’s face carried once more before it would be distorted by his waking. A soft frown was the first thing to reappear, creasing Yixing’s forehead and causing his nose to scrunch up a little as well. Watching how the younger male’s eyes fluttered open, Yifan already showed a soft smile, hoping to at least help start off Yixing’s day better with it. Yixing’s gaze settled on his face while he could see consciousness slowly seep back into it and the moment he knew the younger was fully aware of his surroundings he started to let go.

To his utter surprise, Yixing simply started to smile back, one of his warm, content smiles. One of those smiles he gave when he was completely comfortable yet somewhat tired. Taking in the unexpected present he had been given, Yifan’s smile widened on its own accord, warmth seeping into every inch of his body. A warmth which felt like it burst out into joyful flames the moment Yixing leaned in and their lips touched again. Nothing more than a quick kiss, yet at the same time so much more altogether. Smiling warmly at Yixing as he pulled away, Yifan lifted his free hand to gently run the back of his fingers over Yixing’s cheek. A gesture that was responded to by the younger’s hand taking hold of his to be able to place a kiss in his palm.

“I have to go,” Yixing spoke next, still sounding a little tired, but with warmth in his voice as well. “But I’ll see you tonight.” It set ablaze every ounce of love inside of Yifan’s chest, to hear the promise of that evening spent together again as well. All his past worries forgotten, renewed hope ran through him once more and he nodded, trying to keep his smile from taking over the entirety of his expression. He didn’t want to push his luck, didn’t want to ruin this beautiful moment of waking in which Yixing wasn’t running away but simply leaving for his daily activities – a much nicer way to part. And he was rewarded for his efforts when Yixing turned back right before exiting the room, to send him another look and a quickly uttered: “I love you.”

What filled him first, he wasn’t sure, but Yifan felt as if every inch of his body was sizzling with excitement over the words just spoken to him. As if Yixing had given him the most valuable gift he could ever have gotten. Which, in a way, was very true. The sound of the door falling closed did not echo in his mind that time around, instead it was the words of affection that got repeated. A much nicer mantra to listen to. Grinning at his hotel room door in disbelief and happiness, Yifan took only a short moment more before a chuckle and then an actual laugh burst forth out of him, his happiness not wishing to be contained in that glorious moment.

The rest of the day he was on a high. His nightly sorrow long forgotten, Yifan breezed through his schedules like he wasn’t rushing from one place to the other at insane speed. He had conversations left and right with people he usually wouldn’t know what to say to but that day just babbled away with about the little things in life, while at the same time managing to smile properly at pretty much every camera that was turned on him, so that every one of his fans present would at least get a proper picture of him. A way for him to relive the day at a later point as well, in fact. A day that went great, his evening dinner wonderful, and so he went back to his hotel room feeling satisfied and expectant.

 

The bigger the climb, the higher the fall. Or something like that. The proper expression didn’t matter. Nothing mattered. Except for the message on his phone screen stating Yixing was not going to make it that night. In fact, if Yifan was understanding it entirely right, Yixing was never making it again and whatever they had been trying to build up was done. A hollow, strained feeling had settled itself in his stomach area, the heavy weight of the earlier night nothing compared to the avalanche he was buried under now. Breathing out a quivering sigh, Yifan stared at the phone screen until it turned dark on its own. After which whatever hold he had left broke and the tears started spilling out.

Tears. Endless tears. Feeling like a hole was punched in his chest, in his life. Sleepless nights. Worried friends. Overly caring family. It all went past him like he wasn’t even fully aware of the time that was passing. Just days and nights following after each other with nothing to show for them. Except for the gaping hole inside his life that grew bigger with every unsent message and each call that got redirected to voicemail. Until his own neglecting of his body’s needs landed him in hospital for a day, a sleeping pill prescription accompanying him on his way back out. Just another disgrace to add to the list of things people could bash and slander him for from there on out.

But it did, he had to admit. It still did. He didn’t want to disappoint his fans, didn’t want to give up on this life he’d only been able to dream of when he was younger. He just wished he could live it feeling less like a zombie inside. No. He wished he could live it with a certain someone by his side, cheering him on, even if it was from an entirely different country. He wished he could still send the silly texts and make the late-night phone calls. But the pressure on Yixing had been too big and Yixing had given up and that, that was something he just had to learn to live with.

A couple of days at home at least managed to make him more mentally capable of dealing with the emotional pain and slowly but surely his sleeping pattern settled back into something akin to healthy. His mother fed him healthy, home-cooked meals three times a day on the clock, whereas his father saw no better than to remind him of the responsibilities he had and couldn’t just give up on. But he loved them, he loved them both. Because he knew they were only trying to give him the best. And so he took their care, thanked them for it daily, told them he loved them every day too, until eventually his father even started to get worried, telling him not to do anything stupid.

He tried his best.

 

Their lips crashed into each other a little too hard the moment the door closed behind the younger. Only this time he hadn’t started it. In fact, he had no idea what was going on exactly or how Yixing had even gotten there. Last he knew the younger had not even been in China – did not even need to be in the near future either. But Yixing’s hands were in his hair and the kiss was real and desperate, so he simply allowed himself to fall into it, eyes closing, body melting against the other’s while his arms made their way around Yixing’s middle.

They didn’t make their way to the bed this time, nor did they continue on from there. Instead Yixing pulled away way too soon to his liking, but Yifan still allowed him to, fighting his disappointment in order to just open his eyes and look at the other, waiting for what would come next. There was worry there, in the younger’s expression, and a hint of what he would have called outrage, but what could also be determination. “I’m sorry.” Those dreaded words again, only this time spoken in an entirely different manner, the hands not letting him go, the body not moving away from him, just Yixing still looking back at him with that same mixed expression.

So many questions went through his mind – why was he there? what did he want? how had he gotten in the house? – but he didn’t want to hear the answers to them. There was only one question that really mattered and yet even that one he didn’t ask. He didn’t want to know whether or not they were going to be something solid. He didn’t want to hear another apology, he’d heard hundreds of them already. So he simply leaned in again, continuing their kiss, pulling Yixing closer to him as he did so and leaving no room for a change of mind this time around. It was all he could do to silence the hurricane inside of him. But he knew that the next day, he would have to apologise to his father.


End file.
